What do I still lack?

Matthew 19 : 16 - 22

...what do I still lack?

These days we find that with moderate resources, we can 'seek after' and 'possess' many things we set our hearts on. We may not approve of those who profess the 'eat, drink and be merry' attitude to life or the 'you only live once, so grab what you can' one. And we may find ourselves gravitating towards more 'admirable' things like religious pursuits, like keeping the rules and giving ourselves to religious activities and service. Many people have focused their lives on such things. Have most of them found meaning and purpose? Some undoubtedly have; they have found their vocation and experience the joy of finding God in all that they do.

Others continue to seek. Like the young man they have done many 'good' things in order to fill their inner longing for God. And still they long for 'something more'. The young man came to Jesus, like a directee might to his spiritual director. He named his religious pursuits, yet wondered if these were enough.....surely they were enough? Yet something in him, perhaps some deep longing created some doubt. He was obviously not prepared when Jesus the spiritual director told him the truth about his life. It was the truth about his attachment that no praiseworthy religious pursuits could root out automatically. At that point, the young man went away; his 'resistance' was too strong. Yet in the gospel of Mark, it is noted that Jesus looked at him and loved him. We continue to love our directees even when they 'resist' God's invitations....we know it will take time, we trust that something is already going on in them. And I am sure the door was open for this young man to return....Jesus knew.....

I was told by my spiritual director many years ago that I was 'restless'.....that was the truth and I agreed. The years have seen me filling that restlessness with various pursuits, seeking God in different ways through spiritual disciplines, seeking him through theological studies. I know I am seeking the One who cannot be fully grasped. I am much more comfortable now with the restlessness (age does something) that is felt at certain times. I welcome it, for it reminds me that what I should do is not to grasp for more but to continue to empty out more space within for God.