CPE 7

At last I have come to the end of a training that has been challenging in so many ways. The first barrier was to get over waking up early to get to the hospital for an 8 am start!! Something I have not done in years. When I work it is usually a 9 am start....and much closer home, so I leave maybe five minutes before (pampered!) Well, for these seven weeks I made it in time each day (+ or - five minutes). And that was quite an achievement.

The next challenge was to "be open" with people I have never met before! That was initially difficult for me because I tend to need time before I share personal stuff with others. Anyway, we managed to allow each other time and space, at our own pace to share what we needed to. And although we all came for the same training, each of us had unique purposes for doing so - in fact this clarified for us as time went on. We also had quite different personalities and it was only towards the end that such differences were appreciated and integrated into the group process. There were times earlier that I felt not understood, yet did not want to push my point, as I wanted to stay on what helped the others too, not only 'my' need.

Somewhere along the way, I discovered that theological reflection was not going to be explicitly addressed. This was difficult for me, as processing of feelings, and the vulnerability that surfaced had nowhere to go beyond human understanding. In fact, there were times when the feedback questions directed to me were not helpful for me. Being an 'obedient' trainee, I kept this to myself, until the day when I decided it was not helpful for myself or for my supervisor or even the others. Disclosing this truth helped clear the air and I began to feel heard for where and who I am at this stage in life.

Part of the final evaluation meant sharing an image of each of our peers, with them. I was described by one as a "watermelon" - in that I may be firm on the outside but inside there is fragiliity and softness. My other peer described me as a "dove" - symbol of the inner peace, that to her I seem to be seeking. Well, I am grateful for both images. They do make sense to me. I would say a "sea shell" might also replace watermelon (somehow that made me feel big and round!! which I am not really, sizewise) as the living organism inside the shell is soft and fragile, protected by the exterior. The dove to me meant even more than peace - it meant the Spirit's quiet voice within, somthing I want very much to hear and be guided by.

All in all, CPE was a special experience for me. I encountered the Lord in new ways, through the needy. I was challenged by inexplicable suffering to realize that no one can fathom the mystery of God's ways. Yet in faith we trust his heart.