CPE 6

I am nearing the end of the part time CPE. And it is only now that I've gained some clarity about what was missing for me. At the start, there were so many new things to learn and experience that it was not significant. Yet, as time progressed, I began to feel something lacking. I continued to enjoy the visits, and was really grateful for the many different people I've met. In particular, I was faced with people who live completely different lives from me. It is one thing to know about the social issues 'out there' but it is another to come face to face with people whose lives are challenging in terms of socioeconomic background (apart from the physical challenge of illness that brought them to hospital). For some of them, our pastoral visits brought them into a different dimension of care altogether - the genuine listening and entering into their concerns meant a lot to them. As one person said, "when I go out, I'll never find anyone to talk in this way to. Out there it is a tough world."

Anyway, the 'lack' was not in the practicum, but in the way we were processing our experiences. As this program in a hospital cannot be explicitly Christian, the processing of feelings tended towards the psychological. This is helpful, but for Christians we know that is not the end of the process. Growing in self knowledge must always be in relation to God - the creator and sustainer of our lives. Without that focus, there is really no deep meaning for our lives. Being in touch with myself (and perhaps my shadow side) must bring me to God - for healing and transforming (if need be) those areas that have come to light. This was the missing link for me and something that became clear last week, when I was doing the homework of a "self-verbatim". It suddenly clicked that self-talk and analysis is all one can do - if there is no relationship with God. So, for my homework, I decided that it would only be meaningful if I wrote the dialogue between myself and Jesus/Holy Spirit who dwell within. I expressed this to my supervisor, who understood my need and encouraged me to present it that way. In fact, I'm glad I did, for as I read it aloud, the words became even more real and I realized that through this whole program the significant grace has been a deep encounter with the Lord, through ministry to the needy (Matt 25).