Faith through doubt

John 20 : 24 - 29

..."Unless I see.....I will not believe...."

Today is the feast of Thomas, the disciple who is most remembered for his 'doubts' about the resurrection of the Lord. He was not present when Jesus appeared to the other apostles and when told he refused to believe. After all, the others had their own doubts before Jesus' appearance to them. Anyhow, the Lord, reading his heart, graciously honored his honest doubt and granted him 'sight' in order that he could trust and believe.

Doubts are not bad news for the believer, if they come from a heart that 'seeks understanding' rather than one that seeks to find fault. Thomas showed the former attitude even earlier along his journey with Jesus. When Jesus spoke of the mansions in his Father's house, Thomas in his childlike simplicity asked, "Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?" Simple honest question in respond to Jesus' very profound statement about heavenly dwelling places. In fact, it would seem that the one who dared ask was indeed the one with great desires to understand and trust.

I used to avoid certain doubts of mine about Christian beliefs because I feared that by having them, I showed myself unfaithful. At times, I did not even want them to come into my consciousness, out of fear of losing faith. But as I have grown in relationship with the Lord, these questions no longer seem fearful. There are no 'final' answers for some questions of faith - there are disagreements even among the best of scholars. I see this not as a threat to faith, but as a reminder that 'faith' is a gift.......we who have believed have been enabled by the Lord himself. Hearing the same gospel that many hear and turn away from, we have 'believed'. Despite doubts and questions, the Lord is 'real' enough to us. He has appeared to us, not in visible form but in the depths of our hearts, and enabled us to proclaim, like Thomas did: "My Lord and my God".