Renewed in solitude

John 11 : 45 - 57

He withdrew instead to a town called Ephraim in the region near the desert, where he stayed with his disciples

I find myself needing to 'withdraw' more often nowadays. Perhaps it is age, perhaps the wisdom of knowing that one can only accomplish that much in life, even if it is 'for the Lord', and that is ok. As I thought about myself in my busy times, I imagined myself aboard a speeding train that was exhilarating at first, but gradually became something that I wanted to get out of but could not!

It is good that Jesus himself models for us the need to withdraw at certain times. He began his ministry with a long period of solitude in the desert. And now towards the end of his ministry, he withdraws to another desert place. His opponents are beginning to close in on him, seeking to kill him. In solitude, Jesus probably found new courage to finish the work he had come to accomplish.

He was with his disciples but I would imagine he also spent time in prayer on his own.

This kind of 'time out' is not just self indulgence or luxury. Without it, our lives become unfocused and distracted. Even though busy with God's work, we can easily forget the reason for the work. We can lose our connection with the Lord. Solitude and silence helps us restore perspective and renew us in the depth of our lives.

Each time I make space for a period of silence, I find it daunting to begin with. The 'sound' of silence is quite deafening at the start and though inviting, there is a sense of unease. What do I do with the time when there is nothing much to do except pray? The reality sinks in because I face my own lack of desire to commune with the Lord. It is easy to bemoan the lack of time when I am busy - actually just convenient 'excuses'. But when I am no longer busy, do I really want the Lord to 'come close'? Do I welcome being with him in a focused way? Or do I fear allowing him a peek into my inner life? Of course he already knows, but by consciously inviting him in, I will also be able to name and face the realities of my life.

"Let there be a place somewhere, in which you can breathe naturally, quietly, and not have to take your breath in continuous short gasps. A place where your mind can be idle and forget its concerns, descent into silence and worship the Father in secret" (Thomas Merton: New Seeds of Contemplation)

As it was for Jesus, so it is for us. Our withdrawal does not make all problems go away. Jesus returned to face his passion and cruel death. But he did so with renewed mind and heart, with greater courage and determination to do his Father's will. I hope that my times apart will also enable me to return to the nitty gritty of life with the desire to find God in all things and all things in God.