Depths of self-knowledge

Luke 15 : 1 - 3, 11 - 32

....he began to be in need....when he came to his senses

This parable is perhaps the longest in the gospels. In this parable, the most important point is the way the father graciously treats his sons, both the errant and the obedient one. But as I read today, I was struck also by another theme - that of the son's conversion story, which came through recognizing his need and coming to deep self knowledge, which is described as 'coming to his senses'. Is that our conversion story too? Did we at some point realize that our needs could never be met by the things of this world, however good? Did we also come to our senses, realizing that we have somehow missed the whole point of our existence by ignoring the one worthy of our praise and worship; the One who called us into being? Self knowledge leads us to a true knowledge of God. Without knowing ourselves well, we would lead pretty shallow relationships - with God and others.

That was my conversion story. Before that point, I may have been a Christian by name, but probably had not 'come to my senses' or felt my need for the Lord in any real way. Some people have described the earlier step as an 'intellectual conversion". It is not enough, for it does not lead us into the depths of our neediness and God's mercy and grace.

I am really grateful now for all that had to happen for me to reach that point of need. Some of it, the backsliding part is not something I am proud of, but however far away I was, God's mercy was greater. He used even the stubbornness of my ways to wake me up to my need for him and him alone. Nothing else could and would do. I needed to run back to his loving embrace. That was a moment of grace and conversion.

Perhaps such moments happen, though to lesser degrees from time to time on our journey toward God. Unlike the wayward son, we may not be outwardly sinning, but there are times when we give in to subtle temptations to walk our own way and make our own choices in life. These may even be good things, but chosen primarily with self in mind. Then something happens. Our self knowledge is awakened and we discover our feet heading up the wrong path. By the grace of God, we 'turn back' (metanoia) and renew our commitment to him. I guess this is one of the themes of the Lenten journey: an honest and intentional review of our lives, and rededication to the way that leads to God.