Prayer beyond words

The Christian spiritual journey is never static. In the words of a friend of mine: it is such an amazing and exciting journey! And I understand just what she means because she has experienced the heights of joy and the depths of pain, all from the hand of the divine Potter, the One who gives it meaning in the end. Our relationship with God never stays the same. There are times when the way we communicate with him changes. Our prayer changes: those forms that were comfortable for us in the earlier days no longer satisfy our longing to connect with God in a deeper way.

I am in one of these transition stages and have been for some time. Yes, the 'movement' is a gradual one. I sometimes chide myself for being a slow learner but then I remind myself that God is not in a hurry (as I am over many other things!). That helps me slow down, take note of what is happening within and allow the changes to come naturally. I first attended a Centering Prayer workshop about ten years ago, mostly out of curiosity, but also with some longing for a deeper connection with God. I tried it out for a time but it did not become a regular practice and so the discipline waned. Apart from exploring different contemplative prayer forms, I also embarked on an intellectual journey of reading and learning more about the spiritual life. It was rewarding but there is a time when we have to move from reading about prayer to actually praying. Through the years, the need for many words and thoughts in prayer has lessened for me. I am still comfortable with spoken spontaneous prayer when I pray with others, but on my own the words have dwindled. Or perhaps the words come from a deeper place and sometimes, I feel that I am unable to fully articulate what lies within.

These changes were (are still) inviting something new that is less structured and lacks familiarity. The previous way of using many words, fuelled by many thoughts, seems secure even though it no longer brings the sense of connection with God that it did before. Praying with fewer words is actually a way of letting go into greater intimacy with God. I desire this and yet there is ambivalence. It seems risky and uncontrollable, when I am not in charge. Previously perhaps prayer was my effort at loving God in small measured amounts....with me at the controls. But now, I am invited to plunge into the sea of God's love. A spiritual friend reminded me recently that growing more open to God can be a 'dangerous' thing: "indeed he will lead you to places where you would rather not go". This thought is no longer as worrying to me as it might have been ten years ago. By habit, I may fall into the temptation of trying to be in control of things, but I know deep down that should God overturn things (as he often does), I will allow him to lead and I will joyfully run into his loving embrace, even if I cannot yet understand his reasons.

Recently, I have been trying 'breath prayer': a short prayer phrase of about eight syllables that expresses the deepest desire of my heart at this time. The phrase I am drawn to comes from Psalm 62: My soul finds rest in God alone. This is the phrase I use to bring my attention back to God when my mind starts to wander during my time of silent prayer. But I can even take it into the spaces of my day...praying it beneath all the other thoughts and words that I attend to throughout the day. Indeed, it is my deepest desire to find my rest in God...alone.