Midlife Puzzle

Several years ago, while on a retreat, I decided to make a drawing in my journal of the way I felt. I drew a jigsaw puzzle, incomplete, with scattered pieces lying around. That was what my life felt like: an incomplete jigsaw puzzle. And the yellow jigsaw box lying in the corner had no picture on its cover, unlike all jigsaw boxes! How is one to put together the pieces if there is no guide to follow? That was exactly how I felt about my life.

I realized on further reflection that it was a symptom of midlife, the 'afternoon journey' (according to Carl Jung). At midlife, there is often an inner restlessness as one searches for direction all over again. I remember that time many years ago when the restlessness was an adolescent search for the self. I have come far since then, but now have to face another inevitable phase of the journey of life.

This search does not mean that we have not been faithful in all we have done so far: in our jobs, in our ministries and our personal relationships. But there are major changes taking place at midlife. I realize I have lived more than half my life. I realize I am no longer as energetic and that doing the same number of things I did ten years ago is bound to leave me more tired. All this and many other reminders of life's fragility make me want to live more intentionally the remaining years of my active life.

This stage of 'not knowing' clearly is a difficult place to be for me. I am very much a goal oriented person, doing well when I have something definite to work towards. This phase of life is uncomfortable, yet I would not want to look at it as a 'crisis', as something fearful. The earlier journey, the 'morning' of life has been focused on moving into the world, on doing and building. The call now is different. It does not mean that I have to stop doing what I have been doing. But somehow, I have many questions about the meaning of it all. Some of the things I have been doing all these years like my medical career have become less interesting. There is even a sense of boredom. I often feel I need a change, and yet do not want to make changes just as a reaction to the feeling of restlessness. The search is a deeper one and cannot be satisfied by superficial changes. The answers are to be found deeper within myself than just the external parts of my life. I could change all that and yet find myself still restless. It has long been known by psychologists who study the midlife process that the invitation is to move inward, to go more deeply into the truth of myself.

How is all this connected with the spiritual journey? Or is it all psychological (which people take to mean 'it's all in the head')? It is a psychological change but one that is also deeply spiritual. The truth of myself can only be known in relation to God's knowing of me and my knowing of him. I can only discover who I am only when I am also discovering myself in relation to my God. So this restlessness has not left me totally lost. It is a vulnerability that has led me to realize more and more my need for God. Confident of his love, I can begin to look for the treasures and gifts of this time of searching. I can be comfortable even as I face my limitations and a whole range of roller coaster feelings. As the psalmist prayed: "You, O God are familiar with all my ways.....you perceive my thoughts from afar...even the darkness is not dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. (Ps. 139). It was a long time ago when I asked "What is the meaning of life? " Now that question is answered, for I know my God, the One who gives ultimate meaning to life. But at this stage my question is "What is the meaning of my life?" It is a personal search to invest the remaining years in something that reflects who I truly am. As God's beloved, how do I live out of my belovedness?

On any journey, the presence of the guide brings much comfort and confidence to the one making the journey. God knows who I am. He knows what lies ahead of me. He will accompany me as I move deeper into the afternoon of life.