Do you love me?

John 21: 15 - 19

"Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you."

It is two days to Pentecost and we have two more readings today and tomorrow from John's gospel. The reading today is a familiar one. Peter is asked by Jesus three times, "Do you love me?" and three times Peter affirms his love. In each case he is commissioned to tend Jesus' flock. As I read this passage, I can almost 'hear' Peter's plaintive response, "You know that I love you". Gone is the confident Peter who went on to deny his Lord. This is a Peter who knows himself better now. Earlier, he was the one who spoke up when Jesus predicted his betrayal. He said he would continue to be faithful even if the others fell away (Matt. 26: 33; Mark 14: 29). John describes Peter's zeal to follow Jesus despite warnings of death. "Lord, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you" (13: 37). The irony is that after Peter utters this pledge, he denies Jesus three times.

The Peter we meet here is the one who will indeed lay down his life in martyrdom. But he was ready for this only when he stopped relying on his own strength. Not before, however impressive his earlier declarations of faithfulness. I find that this often happens to us too on our own journey. Early on, in our zeal we feel ready for anything the Lord calls us to. And so we go our way, enthusiastically serving the Lord but not realizing that our foundations may not be very deep. Gradually, the effort to serve comes from our own strength and goodwill, rather than from the Lord. This happens very gradually.....and usually, we come to a realization of where we have strayed only when something like burnout or ministry failure happens. But when it does, it may be a grace, as long as we pay attention to what the Lord is showing us. In Peter's case, his failure was obvious. He had come to the end of his own resources. But at the same time he is a different person now. Failure has not led to despair and a self critical spirit for Peter. Nor has he hidden away his burden of failure and gone on working for the Lord just to compensate for his failings. Instead his experience has humbled him. He is profoundly aware of his weaknesses. He ran to the shore, to the one who could heal his memories. And this is what Jesus does in his threefold questioning and commissioning. Peter is now aware of his dependence on the Lord and does not make any more bravado filled promises, even as Jesus commissions him. And I hear that in his voice when he declares, "Lord, you know everything.....you know that I love you". His relationship with his beloved Lord is healed.

My own response is somewhat like Peter's. In my own life, it is easy to gradually depend on my own strength in the way I serve the Lord. Therefore, it is always important to know myself, to be aware of my own weaknesses and vulnerabilities and allow the Lord to be the true source and foundation of my life. Yes, I too like Peter can say that I love the Lord. But I must also be aware how often my life does not match my declarations. I must be aware that the Lord knows all this better than I do and seeks to heal and restore the wounded parts. He comes with gracious forgiveness to unburden me of the hindrances to truly loving him. Like Peter, he is the one to whom I must run. Indeed there is much grace to receive from the One who is the very Source of my love for him and for his world.