Paradox of discipleship

John 13: 33-38

"Lord," Peter said to him, "why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you!"

Words from Peter the courageous, forthright disciple; he is not afraid of what (he believes) lies ahead. Yet soon after that, as Jesus warned, Peter did deny his Master three times. Was he simply scared when the crunch came? Yet earlier he gave a brave try at laying down his life for Jesus. As armed men arrived in Gethsemane to arrest Jesus, Peter used his sword. At that point Jesus might have been able to escape in the dark and Peter might have lost his life in saving him. But Jesus does not let him. Instead Jesus said, "Put your sword back into its sheath. Am I not to drink the cup that the Father has given me?" Peter obeyed but this must have proved extremely difficult for one who wanted Jesus to be the Messiah the way that he, Peter thought he should be Messiah and who wanted to be the sort of disciple he, Peter thought the Messiah should have. Peter's courage and devotion moved him to follow at a distance..to hang around in the courtyard of the high priest's house....even though he no longer understood Jesus' strategy at all. Perhaps he hoped that even now Jesus would do something miraculous to free himself. After all, he had stilled a storm......and even raised Lazarus back to life......

But in the dark of night, Peter fails. Had he lost the courage he seemed to have earlier? Perhaps. But perhaps more than that he could not accept himself to be seen as the disciple of a "failed" Messiah. He would willingly lose his life for a glorious Messiah...but he could not accept the cross as the way to glory.

This tells me a lot about true discipleship. I think I find it much easier to align myself with what I believe God's plans are when they involve success and much activity on my part. And, like Peter the devoted disciple, I could perhaps willingly go to great sacrifice to do so. But what would happen if Jesus were to tell me that the way forward is to embrace my losses and failures first? That those losses and failures are the way God meets me, restores me, heals me and leads me towards new life? I have often thought that a chronic illness (like my kidney condition) is just an unwanted interruption of life that limits me and takes me away from serving God. But what if this is the paradox he invites me to embrace?....That in my very weakness, I will find his grace and strength. That through the experience of the cross, I will be led to new life. In the end true discipleship is not about what I want to do for Jesus, but first and foremost about what he wants to do in me and through me.